31 Srp The Head And The Heart
I think everybody couldn’t agree more if I say that packing is one of the biggest pains in the ass anyone has to suffer at some point of her or his life. Very often, when you’re moving to a new place, it’s more pleasant; new life, new adventures, new people and new places are waiting for you. And you are so looking forward to all those things with the word „new“ just before every one of them, that you can’t sleep a few nights before you have to fly there. You don’t want to have unrealistic expectations either. But there you are, with the fears, expectations, stress and hopes altogether in your stomach, boosting your heartbeats, or leaving you breathless at some points before the voyage starts.
And I’m packing again. A journey ends and another one starts. It’s still difficult (and not only because I don’t know how to get packed all the stuff I have), with all those butterflies in my stomach, like if I were in love (or just about throwing up), but something is different now. As someone told me a while ago, „I built something here“. I’m the first one who is stunned by that, by all the things I found here, by everything. I’m not going so far. I’m staying here.
I’ve been living here and there, exploring wonderful places, meeting awesome people, but always with a feeling of emptiness in my soul. I don’t know how to express it without being shallow, typical and overwhelmingly sentimental, but I’ve never felt I was at home, always identifying myself as a tourist. I gave up long ago, thinking that I would never find my place, keeping this search in my labelled „idealistic-and-never-becoming-true-dreams“ chest, not taking care about that anymore, a lost cause. And as I stopped searching, I arrived here and I was wrapped up in people’s warmth, just feeling good. I wanted to stay here forever almost since the very beginning. But I’d rather prefer not to be reckless, I hate when I’m full of regrets jut because I behaved impulsively. So not only my emotions should take part in the ecuation, but also logic.
It has been always hard for me to decide between the reason and the feelings, struggling against them, trying to be fair with myself, making an effort to take the most intelligent alternative. And no matter what, my decisions always tip the scales in favor of one of the plates. But I thought a lot about it. I wrote a list with pros and cons (Czech weather wasn’t on the „pros“ part, of course), I’ve hurt myself, I’ve disclosed myself. And the logic was there the whole time, even if I wasn’t able to see it. For the first time, I win. I weighed up everything. The scales are evenly balanced. There is fairness. The head and the heart. All in one building the word „home“. Everything. The future. And, more importantly, the present. Mine.
‚Cause they say home is where your heart is set in stone
Is where you go when you’re alone
Is where you go to rest your bones
It’s not just where you lay your head
It’s not just where you make your bed…